task#19 - the sperm donor jawn

the sperm donor is FL, and his chronicles are here, as well as here,  and also here. And this is how we got to where we are now.

So, December 30th 2004 - I ain't studying his a$$. F&ck 'im - I gotta keep it moving. Then folks   inspire me   with their 101, and I gotta fill up all those tasks...If you don't know what this is, take a look.

The thing is - that list is organic, and has a life of its own. You begin it thinking, I should travel, clean my closet, save some money, lose weight, etc. But 101 is a lot of friggin tasks, and towards the end, you're thinking: "How do I leave a lil mark to show what I accomplished? How can I grow from this experience or do some good in the world?" Or maybe that's just me...?

So yeah, my son needs to know who his dad is, even if he is a raging, flaring, hemorrhoidal a$$hole. And yeah, dad will never, ever reach out and bridge that gap between the two of us, so that he can see his son. He hasn't, and he never would've. His childish pride & ego would never let that happen. Besides, in his mind, he still loves me, even though he hates me...and his "love" has made him blind to his son's needs.

Therefore I added this task, and owned it. And by owning it, I realized that I was going to have to swallow a lot of shyt to get it accomplished. Not a$$-ki$$ing per se. Just listening to the SD whine about how wrong I was, how wrong I am, and how my "wrongness" interferes with his ability to parent. A lil manipulation on my part. It goes like this (unedited):

me: I'd like to sit down and work out a visitation agreement, if that's possible. But I'm pressed for time at the moment.
SD: I don't think that's possible.
me: Why not? We both want the same thing - for you to see your son...
SD: See, thing is I'm pissed off at you - so don't think that you can just step back in and make me look like the bad guy...if I say no, then I'm the villain...if I say yes...then we have to do it on your terms...
me: I'm really hoping we're not going to have to rehash the entire history of our relationship to get back to the point of you spending time with your son...
SD: SEE...THAT'S YOUR F&*$IN' PROBLEM RIGHT THERE...you always trying to be so "professional" with yours, even after you've done dirt...if you hadn't have &*)$()_$#@@
...and the expletives continued. You get the idea. I politely excused myself from the call shortly thereafter.

Pause: I had to really rethink the whole thing. My internal discussion was this: I'm working with a real idiot here - walking & talking. Reasoning & rationales have never worked with this kid - he's always been fueled by emotion. I can't reason with him, so I have to appeal to his emotions. How do I do that? <lightbulb moment> Apologize. <end lightbulb moment>. He won't know how to take it. Matter of fact - if I let him get all that past venom out - call me a bitch, bitch & moan about how trifling I am, etc - THEN he'll actually listen. Hell, if I let him get all that out - he may come up with a schedule his dayum self. So, after leaving him a coupla voicemails, trying to track him down (yes, he was dodging me!) - I called him from a private number (so he couldn't check the caller ID) and VOILA! he answers...

SD: Who 'dis?
me: It's me. Do you have time to talk?
SD: I really don't have anything to say to you.
Implement plan A - Apology
me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude earlier (I wasn't, but who really gives a f&*% about being right at this point?). I really wanted to allow you the opportunity to voice your concerns, and talk about the things that are bothering you. I know you had some things you wanted to say earlier...
SD: Hunh?
me: Seriously - let me give you the opportunity to say what you have to say, uninterrupted.
SD: (dead silence)
me: Are you still there?
SD: Uh...yeah. I just think u're setting me up...if I vent, you're just gonna take it out of context & run with it...
me: I'm really not. I think deep down inside we both want the same thing, and I just want to do what I can to make that happen. (This is true). And I know you need to vent, so I wanted to give you the chance to do that.
SD: Well yeah, see - you know that ish you did was dead wrong.....
....and so on..and so on...for about 15-30 minutes. I lost track, because honestly I was watching Love & Basketball by this point. I inserted un-hunh's and ok's and yeah's into the conversation to let him think I was listening. Then...
SD: so, uh - I can't get him this weekend because I'm moving, but I can try to get him next weekend...

...ok so it's not a "schedule" yet. Baby steps y'all - I gotta take baby steps with this dude.

For the record, yes I know - SD is not worth the trouble. He could be replaced. But that would be wrong on my part. My son right now can't distinguish who his father is. He may one day have a step-daddy, but it's not the same. He needs to know who his father is, and I intend to fix this. Even without the sperm donor's cooperation.